I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Awwwww shit.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no