@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
everyone’s a critic
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread