Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
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NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I have never related to a cat more
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]