Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.