Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
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Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Ah..makes sense now
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.