Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
You Might Also Like
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel