God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Whisper out to librarians!