“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When your man makes a valid point
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
my favorite genre of twitter
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”