How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die