He-man has a Masters degree
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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Morning my dudes.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
WHO DID THIS?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.