FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.