NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.