*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”