I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Encore…
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
we’re dead?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
He is just living hist best little life 😊
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Note to self: I am a note
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.