Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Only short people can save us
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue