Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy