FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”