Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat