People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.