My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.