I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it