Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
found my next D&D character name
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Hmm, not sure about this change
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Whisper out to librarians!
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet