Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.