me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Life hack
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.