“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
This is I, Robot all over again
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!