THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
This forever.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
True freaking story!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one