Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity