Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.