I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
LOL
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions