Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms