4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
as is their right
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math