The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!