Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
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I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”