[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
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“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Monica just destroyed the internet
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.