It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.