Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks