[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Eat…
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?