*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Money is the root of all wealth
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
23. the denim jacket