Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*