If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*