*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
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[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*