Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.