you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.