LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids