I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos