My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
So the ex texted me
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Actually cracking up @ this
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment