ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
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My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
my one true gender
Raisins are grape jerky.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Venn
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.