At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.