I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the