“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.